81 | Being Unavailable

Hey y'all, before I dive into today's topic, I wanted to share that this podcast is now available by video on both YouTube and Spotify. How fun! Simply search for "A Pleasant Solution" on either platform.

In this episode, I want to expand on where I left off last week. Beyond the basics, another underestimated experience is having space to think and be yourself. I call it “being unavailable.” Some folks call it having a boundary. I like to think of it as a strategy for energy protection.

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80 | Back to Basics

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Transcript

Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing An Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer, and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast will go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.

Amelia: Welcome to Episode 81, “Being Unavailable.” Hey y’all! Before I dive into today's topic, I wanted to share that this podcast is now available by video on both YouTube and Spotify. How fun! I know there are a few of y’all that prefer to watch and listen, so I’m evolving to keep up with the times. Simply search for “A Pleasant Solution” on either platform.

Alright. I had the pleasure of celebrating my 44th birthday at the end of July. For me, birthdays tend to prompt both reflection and a lifestyle status check. Living an aligned and sustainable lifestyle is important to me, and I believe it’s an active journey. I know that I can always adjust my choices, celebrate how I’m feeling, or re-align any areas that feel “off” to me. It’s a practice, for sure, and by seeing my lifestyle as ever-evolving, I’m able to step away from that zone of expected perfectionism and the treadmill of forever bettering myself and settle more in the space of “these are the things I can control in my life.” I do believe that this internal perspective translates to a more simplified home life on the outside.

This week, I want to expand a bit on where I left off in last week’s episode, “Back to Basics.” In that episode I asked two questions that often come with complicated answers. I encouraged you to reflect on “How am I feeling?” and “Am I acknowledging and truly feeling these emotions?” These are essential questions that we ignore all too often in our day-to-day experience. I then offered five areas you can aim to boost: hydration, sleep, simplified meals, movement, and connection, knowing that zeroing in on these areas can be beneficial. I often need the reminder to go back to basics, and I imagine that you do too.

Beyond the basics mentioned above, another underestimated experience is having space to think and be yourself. I call it “being unavailable.” Some folks call it having a boundary. I like to think of it as an energy protection mechanism. You can “be unavailable” from work, from your family, from your commitments, basically anything outside of yourself. You can “be unavailable” from work, in order to spend time with your family or vice versa, you can “be unavailable” from your family in order to spend time with your work. So, in today’s episode I’m going to share with you a few benefits of being unavailable and share how you can apply and practice this concept in your own life. As always, if it resonates, fabulous. (And as a side note, if it does, I’d love to hear about it, so drop me a DM or an email.) If it doesn’t, let the idea float through and move forward with your day.

First, let’s think about being unavailable from an outside perspective. It’s a little easier to digest how it’s absolutely possible for you when you consider what you’d do if someone told you they were unavailable. Let’s say you were to ask someone if they could meet at 1pm on Tuesday for a social meetup or for a work-related task, and they replied, “Actually, I’m unavailable.” Full stop. Let’s say they didn’t offer further explanation. Hmmm. Get curious. Would you ask them what they are up to? Would you ask them why they’re unavailable? For many of us, that borders on prying. If you did, if you followed up and asked why they couldn’t meet a second time and they replied, “I’m just unavailable,” consider your response. You’d probably drop it or circle back at a later time.

It's a phrase that’s kind, yet firm. “I’m unavailable.” It doesn’t give details. It communicates that the time slot is booked, and it communicates that the individual isn’t willing to rearrange their schedule to make that time slot available. It’s not about you and your request. It’s that that particular day and time is occupied. End of story. (Now, I do want to pause here and remind you that if you decide to adopt this response, the key is to practice that full stop: I’m unavailable. Be careful not to qualify your “unavailability” with a phrase like, “Oh I wish I could, but I’m unavailable.” That may invite questions or further discussion or a request for an explanation.”)

For example, if you called a provider’s office like the dentist, and asked for Tuesday at 1pm, they may tell you that slot is unavailable. You don’t question whether the dentist is with another patient, eating lunch, or is out of the office. You recognize that there’s no availability at that time. The same can be true for you, the more you practice both the concept of being unavailable and the delivery in conversation.

Your time and your energy are your most valuable resources. And time is an equal playing field between us all. You and I have the same number of hours each day. Each of us makes different choices with how to spend those hours, and being unavailable is simply one of the unlimited choices you may make. I don’t think any one of us can hear that enough. Being unavailable is always an option. I consider it a self-protective choice – one that ensures that I keep my chosen priorities within view. It also ensures that you don’t become fully burnt out. So, I invite you to consider, what would be the benefits to you for being unavailable for 30 minutes or 3 hours? Spend some time with this question. Don’t get bogged down by what you’d do with that time. Instead, think about how that time would give you a genuine break. I imagine it would help lower your blood pressure and cortisol, your stress hormone. I imagine it would give you the opportunity to check in with how you’re feeling or to acknowledge the load you’re carrying. I imagine it would give you the opportunity to focus more clearly on an important task and perhaps give you the opportunity to bring it to completion.

At the other end of the spectrum is our norm – being always available, always on, always reachable. Just saying that sounds exhausting. It translates to interruption after interruption, and based on conversations with clients, leads to spinning in circles and thinking you have a fair number of loose ends and incomplete efforts. I felt this acutely as a mother, especially when my kids were younger and less self-reliant. Being unavailable, on occasion, is what we all secretly want, yet it’s often our hesitation to upset others that keeps us from claiming it.

If you’re someone who’s more reachable than you’d like, flip the narrative to consider how being more unavailable is good for others. First off, it sets an example. When you practice stepping away, it quietly gives others permission to do the same in their own lives. If you’re a leader (or a mother), stepping away for a predetermined amount of time models self-care. Second, it teaches others how to treat you. If you’re always available, your behavior communicates that you’re open to being asked or engaged. Being unreachable, even for a short while, communicates to others that you value your time (and theirs) as a precious resource. Third, it encourages them to not see you as the only solution to their request and instead reach further into their personal toolbox to get their needs met. This is a skill I coach clients on because there are often layers of stories, beliefs, and past experiences blocking them from seeing how being unavailable is a win / win for all involved. 

Now for a bit of strategy. Recognize that the path to being unavailable may be rocky at first, that’s to be expected. When you acknowledge this up front, you normalize the discomfort you experience and can remind yourself that learning something new is always a bit sticky at first. It’s like learning a foreign language. You’re reorienting and reteaching your brain and nervous system every time you execute the plan.

Because we’re designed to adapt, especially to our workload and our mental and emotional capacity, being unavailable starts with noticing and then anticipating your personal signals for being overloaded. Because let’s be honest. You may get close to that edge of burn out before you can reflect on your own signals. This is a learning experience in and of itself. For me, it was a deep exhaustion. I noticed that I wasn’t eager to do or participate in certain activities. I kept hearing “I need a break” in my head.

Once you notice (or eventually anticipate) that you’re at capacity, I encourage you to make the load you’re currently carrying visible. This was super helpful for me. Take 10 minutes to write down all the things that you’ve done over the last month or last quarter. Don’t hold back. Dump it all out – the meetings, the kids’ activities, the appointments, the meal prep, the emails and texts, the care for others – voice note it, draw it, bullet point it… the key is to be able to see where your energy and time has been going in recent weeks. You’ll be both shocked and not shocked. It’s important for us to be a witness to how available we are. If it’s exhausting just thinking about it, it’s definitely a needed exercise. Sometimes you need to give yourself proof that you’ve been busy. It’s the gut punch that solidifies why you need to choose to be unavailable.

So, step one is to learn your signals. Step two is to make what you’ve been doing visible or tangible. Step three is to remind yourself why you matter. After a little break, play the list back or read it out loud. This is where your time and attention have been going. Now, give a few minutes back to yourself by listing out a few things you love about yourself, what you’d do more of if you made the time, and remind yourself of how you find meaning in life. It’s a compassionate reset that will help you recenter yourself. You matter. You’re more organized than you think. You’re deserving of time for yourself, time for your interests, time for the people and experiences you love. You don’t have to earn that time. It’s an integral part of what keeps you well.

Step four is to identify the one or two areas of your life you’d like to be more unavailable in for this season of life. For example, as a small business owner, I’m part of several community groups across my industry. These groups host monthly calls that I attend because I learn and connect with others. These calls are optional, but I often enjoy myself. Scaling back my attendance is an easy lever I can turn to regain my time and attention. I also choose very limited interaction with my children’s schools and coaches. I gave a good deal of my time and attention when they were young, and now that they’re older, I intentionally limit interaction and am regularly unavailable. My clients have 24/7 access to me asynchronously through Slack, yet I choose when to respond. This feels amazing to me because I’m in control of my time, and they’re in control of theirs. It’s a win / win. You can do the same with a friend, colleague, or family member who’s reaching out. Remember, you don’t have to answer, open the door, or reply back.

One of my clients felt this way about her workload. Together, we imagined a tennis game. She’d complete her portion of the project and return it across the net to the team. The team would return the project back when they reached completion. Back and forth, back and forth. She never felt like work was turned off. Yet, when we got curious – first about how others made themselves unavailable on occasion – she was able to see. She had options. She could put her racket down and let her portion of the project sit for a moment while informing her opponent she was taking a water break (or being unavailable). Or she could tag in a team member in her place to take a longer break. That’s teamwork. It’s supporting the well-being of all the players in your family by occasionally being unavailable and encouraging the same type of rest for them too.

Alright, to wrap this up step five is to identify concrete blocks of time – whether it’s in 15-minute increments or multiple hours – and calendar them. Invite an accountability partner to hold you to it. You can be their accountability partner in exchange. You’re more likely going to enforce your time away if you have an outside voice reminding you of why it’s essential work. You’re most likely unavailable right now. If you’ve made it this far, you’ve had nearly 20 minutes of listening and reflecting, and this is just the beginning. You can tell folks in your household, “If you see me with my headphones on, I’m unavailable. I trust you can find an answer elsewhere until I take my headphones off.” It’s a visible signal that let’s folks know. Shut your door and don’t answer it. Turn on “do not disturb” on your phone. Get out of the house or office and go for a drive or a walk.

Being unavailable is the goal. The more you implement small bursts of time, the more others will adapt. Then you can add additional stretches. Reward others in your life by encouraging them to do the same. If you’re utterly exhausted, you can’t be helpful or thoughtful. It’s a win / win. I’m off to be unavailable too. Talk to y’all soon.

Outro: Hey y'all, let's connect and chat on socials. You can find me on Instagram and Facebook @apleasantsolution. I'm also on LinkedIn at Amelia Pleasant Kennedy. Feel free to send me a quick note and let me know what you'd like to hear more about, or what home life organizational challenges are top of mind for you. Talk to y'all soon.